Homeless
Right so where we last left off, the hazmat suit guy was shining his flamethrower at me and my cohorts. We all huddled up against the wall, braising for the impact that would come from his flamethrower, when Edith came running in with the boiling hot kettle. She poured the contents of the kettle onto Rabe and his cohorts as well as the hazmat suit guy giving us time to escape. "You stupid old hag! Look at what you did to my head!" Rabe yelled, as he began rubbing his bold head which was now filled with blisters. We got outside my DVD store, and after a brief argument with Edith, we agreed to go on without her. She could defend herself, as she knows a lot of kung fu having been taught by none other than Jackie Chan himself. We left, and I saw Rabe angrily grab Edith by the neck, and proceeded to strangle her to death. I laughed. Yeah I'm a sadistic guy. Maybe I'm the real villain of the story? He also snapped Edith in half like a Twix chocolate bar. Rabe then pointed at us, and yelled, "after them!" Wilfred and John Cornwall began chasing after us, as we made a heavy sprint back to my house. When we arrived, I locked the front door, and fell down onto my couch. "So what the hell do we do now?" Harold Saxon asked pacing around the living room like some kind of demented duck named Moe. "I don't know." I admitted. "Well we sure as hell can't stay here forever that's for sure." Sam said as he began eating cookies from my cookie jar. Didn't even ask my permission. The rude carrot onion. "This is bad like real bad," Max began, "Edith's dead, and those crazy fuckers want us dead. And they're still out there Lazarus all of them! That Rabe Maniels, and his crazy band of friends!" Max cried out. I punched him sixty times, A few minutes later, I shot up from my sofa like a bullet, and proclaimed, "gentlemen I have a lovely idea!" "And what is that?" Saxon asked who was sitting in the chair across from me. "We're going to go see Matthew Williams." I explained confidently. "Who in the world is Matthew Williams?" Sam asked bewildered. "Matthew Williams is the person who watched "SpongeBob Needs Help," and the person whom Rabe Maniels tried to kill for going public about it's existence. There was also this guy who saw this Mickey Mouse Clubhouse lost episode but uh...... he disappeared." I explained. "And you think this Matthew guy will help us with our problems because?" Saxon asked, I sighed, and began with, "look Saxon my wife is dead okay so you can shut the fuck up!" Saxon was taken back this, and actually fainted onto the floor. "He'll help us out trust me, and besides the best part is he lives just down the street." I said, as we made our way outside onto the street, and down towards Matthew's place. When we got to his front door, Sam rang the door bell, and a young man who looked like he was in his mid twenties answered it. "Hello how can I help you?" He asked. "Matthew...." I began, "we're here about the Rabe Maniels incident." I finished. Matthew's face turned green like Shrek, and he said rather sheepishly, "you lot had better come in," as he held the door wide open for us to enter. Me and the gang sat down on the sofa, as Matthew shut the door tight behind him, and headed into the kitchen. "Tea anyone?" He asked. "Yes please!" We all cried out in unison like a bunch of schoolkids. Five minutes later, Matthew came back into the living room holding five boiling hot cups of tea, and placed them down on the coffee table in front of us. Kind of ironic putting tea on a coffee table isn't it dear reader? I'm getting distracted again aren't I? "So what is it you all want to know?" Matthew asked as he sat on a small chair across the room from the sofa we were all sat on. "Who exactly is this Rabe Maniels guy for starters?" Sam asked as he began to sip his cup of tea. "I've been doing some research on him." Matthew said as he brought out his laptop. He placed it onto the coffee table, so we could all see it. "You see Rabe wasn't impersonating a cop. He is actually assistant police commissioner, and has been for a number of years." Matthew explained showing us a serious of portfilos, and photos of Rabe working on the police force. "Okay so what about his psyotic friends Wilfred and John?" Saxon asked. "Well Wilfred is a lost episode creator having been the one who made "SpongeBob Needs Help" as well as the recent "Mickey Loses Everything" lost episode." Matthew explained. "Now as for Johnny Cornwall," he went on, "he is an expert hacker, and serves as the one who gets Wilfred access to the television networks for which he can broadcast his sick creations onto." "What part does Rabe play?" Sam asked as he finished his cup of tea placing the now empty cup back onto the coffee table. "He acts as protection for the pair, using his status as a senior police officer to his advantage to protect their activities from being looked into." Matthew explained. "So that's why he doesn't want people going public about Wilfred's DVD's." I said. "Exactly!" Matthew shouted while pointing at me. Which made me feel very uncomfortable. "People going public about them means the police will look into them, and realise Rabe's connection to them." Matthew said. "What happened to the officers who found Rabe attacking you?" Max asked. "They all mysteriously disappeared not long after the incident, each being found brutally murdered in the swamp lands." Matthew explained. He explains a lot doesn't he? Needing to stretch my legs, I got off from the sofa, and headed over to the living room window which showed a view of the streets outside. However, I looked down the street, and saw Rabe Maniels standing there with two police officers standing beside him. Wilfred and John had obviously tipped him off about our location. I saw Rabe sniffing the air, and I opened up the window to get a better look at him, as it was dark out. BIG MISTAKE! As soon as I made that decision, Rabe immeditately turned to face me, with an sinister glare. The kind of glare Adolf Hitler gave his shirt maker back in 1934 before you were born. I also quickly took a picture of him with my phone. Rabe turned around to face one of his fellow officers, and began speaking to him. Thankfully I could still hear him, as I had very big ears. Don't make jokes please. "Right you head off. Inform Control I've still got one or two things that need doing. I haven't quite finished with Mr Williams yet." Rabe said, as his fellow officer nodded, and he along with the other officer who was female both got into the police cruiser, and drove away. "He's coming oh lord he coming!" I yelled. "Whose coming?" Max asked who was busy playing scrabble with Sam, Saxon, and Matthew. "Santa Clause. Who the hell do you think is coming?" I asked. "Oh shit." Sam said as he dropped Matthew's cookie jar on the floor breaking it into a million pieces. Don't worry though dear reader, I still got to eat some of the lovely crumbs off from the floor. Suddenly, the door bell rang, and it echoed through the house for what seemed like hours as if it was in a way subconsciously mocking us. "Shit it's him what the hell do we do?" I asked. "We could use the backdoor." Max suggested. "Uh I don't have a backdoor." Matthew said. "Why not?" Max asked. "Because my Mum thinks they defy the rules of God and Snoop Dog or something so she had me block off my backdoor meaning I only have one door. The front door." Matthew explained. "I suppose though it might be not Rabe," Saxon said rather nonchalantly. "How so?" I asked. "We ordered a pizza while you were busy looking out the window." Max explained. "Actually yeah it might be the pizza man go check Lazarus. Because let me tell you I am one hungry son of a gun." Matthew said licking his lips which again made me feel really uncomfortable. But I again decided to make no comment about it. "Okay fine." I said as I went over to the front door, and opened it. ANOTHER BIG MISTAKE! Outside on the front porch, stood Rabe looking towards the floor. He looked up, and said in a cold dark voice, "Mr Marmite." Yes that's my actual surname. I slammed the door in his face. "Was that the pizza man?" Saxon asked, as I ran back into the kitchen with a look of utter fear in my face. True fear I might add. "No you idiot it was......" I didn't get to finish my sentence, as I could hear Rabe cutting his way through the door with an axe like some sort of Shinning rip off. We could get a copyright claim for that the big fat prick. I turned to Matthew, and asked, "Matthew is there any other way out of your house... like a window or vent system or something?" I asked while dancing around like someone who really needs the toilet. "Yeah sure I have just the thing." Matthew said as he lead us into the kitchen which had a massive window overlooking Matthew's garden. We each took turns climbing out of it, and made our way through our neighbour's houses. Running into some bootleg Squidward's, and SpongeBob's along the way. Including a man with a yellow head, and great big...... chicken breasts? I'm not even joking there. The thing kept going on about how it needed to look beautiful for Mr Krabs. After I was done getting distracted, I followed the rest of the group as we made our way into the city. However, I looked back and saw, the SpongeBob and Squidward imposters taking off their heads revealing them to just be masks as Wilfred and John stepped out of their costumes, and give chase once again this time with Rabe accompanying them. We made our way to the police station. Honestly, I had no idea what our intentions were at this point. I was tired. We reached police commissioner Asquith's office, and barged in. "Asquith there's Rabe, murder, chicken breasts," We all struggled to get words out, as Asquith held his hands up telling us to shut up. "Just calm down all of you." Asquith said as we all did what we told. "Now then take a seat, and tell me what's the issue with Rabe?" Asquith asked as he sat back down at his desk. Ten minutes later, after we got done telling our story, Asquith got up from his chair, and pressed a button on his intercom telling his secretary to bring Rabe to see him. (A/N: Do police commissioners have secretaries? I honestly don't care to be perfectly honest, and I'm sure you don't either dear reader.) The secretary then came into the office, and told Asquith that Rabe and some friends of his were there to see him. She winked at me, and I got hard like a mother ducking race car. Sam looked at me with contempt before saying, "Jesus Lazarus your wife's only been dead a few hours, and you're already looking to replace her." "She was an ugly old hag Sam, and besides, she would have wanted me to get back out there anyway." I said. Asquith then told us to wait outside while he talked to Rabe and his friends, but we didn't listen, and instead hid in a small closet at the far side of the room. We used the closet to be able to peak in during the interrogation. Asquith soon came barging in with Rabe, Wilfred, and John following behind him. "Furthermore we can only assume the sudden disappearance of Mr Roger Lampton (the person who saw the Mickey Loses Everything Episode btw) is a direct result of you and your friends Rabe. Do you care to explain that?" Asquith asked, as Wilfred closed the door behind them. "Sorry sorry it's just uh... I thought I was in charge now." Rabe said as he placed his hands down onto Asquith's desk. "You're still only assistant commissioner Rabe don't ever forget that." Asquith replied bluntly. "Oh that's not fair I've been having such fun!" Rabe laughed. "You think this is fun?" Asquith asked bewildered. "It's a hoot this job!" Rabe said, as John Cornwall let out a massive fart. "Oh excuse me." John said as he, Rabe, and Wilfred began engaging in a farting match. "I'm shaking my booty!" Rabe said as he let out the biggest fart of all. I think even some turd came out after that one. Asquith just stood there disgusted, as did the rest of us behind the closet, I however became heavily turned on by this. "Rabe under section 69 of the emergency protocols.... it is my duty to relieve you from constipation.... no wait I meant command!" Asquith corrected himself. "Oh I'm scared! I mean that's just hair raising, and I mean literally.... look." Rabe said as he did a funky dance to a really bad song I can't even remember the name of it. That's how bad it was. Asquith was apparently taken off guard by this bad song, as a thin silicone cord was thrown around his neck choking off his breath. Asquith struggled for a while, but he soon began to succumb to the strangulation. The floor became wet, and slippery with the waste of Asquith's body spilling onto the floor. There was no strength in him anymore as his legs collapsed, and his body sagged. The man behind Asquith lowed him towards the floor until he hit the cold ground. Asquith's eyes were bulging out of his head, as if in the upmost surprise, and this surprise was the last shred of humanity left known to him. He was dead. The strangler who turned out to be the guy in the hazmat suit from earlier finally revealed himself. It was just as I suspected. It was my old boss, and part-time lover Alan Johnson himself. Rabe turned to face Johnson, and said rather coldly, "dump him in the swamp lands, we can make it out to be a suicide attempt." Johnson simply nodded, and he then took Asquith's corpse outside with him, and threw him into the Aunt Bessy Mobile. The two old ladies driving the vehicle turned to look at him, and said rather bewildered I might add, "fish fingers and custard on a school night!?" "How did I hear them?" You might be asking. Well like I said before dear reader I have very good fucking ears. "What now Rabe?" Wilfred asked as Rabe made himself comfy in Asquith's old chair. "What do you mean by what now?" Rabe asked. "I mean with Asquith dead, what exactly do we do now?" Wilfred asked. "Simple my friends. With Asquith dead, I am now police commissioner for the entire police force, and soon we'll be able to take over the world with our lost episodes." Rabe began laughing an evil laugh. "But first..." he began, "we need to deal with our old friends." As he got up from the chair, and walked towards the closet we were hiding in. Getting closer and closer. I pooped myself, as he reached to turn the golden door handle. To Be Continued.... Category:Bruno Tattagllia